Commish Notes 10/26/2012

I love a fat man doing Jazz Hands, don’t you? Anyways, there are a lot of 4-3 teams along with a lot of 3-4 teams. The number 8 spot goes to Jesse right now at 3-4. That means that even Geoff and Mo are only 2 games back from the 8 spot. There is a lot of football left. Anything can happen. Geoff and MaryKate seem to have the worst luck when it comes to matchups. Geoff’s team has been a lot better since Chris Johnson started pretending that he is a football player again. The dice are not falling his way though. Of MaryKate’s five losses, 4 of them were by slim margins: 6 points, 5 points, 11 points, and 2 points. That can be maddening, especially last week when Baltimore shit all over themselves playing in Houston, costing her -7 points. Had she started no defense, she would have won! Fuck those shit eating bastards for not even showing up in Houston.

            On a side note, I am glad that everyone is still actively maintaining their rosters. It would suck the fun out of it if people gave up early in the season. Also, we are hosting a Build The Bar/Halloween party at our house on Saturday. Some of you already know about it. For those of you who don’t, we will have a keg, Jell-O shots, and a few specialty drinks. Cost of admission is a bottle of liquor. Not a bad deal to get shit hammered. Contact MaryKate, myself, or Freddy Michael for more details.



Jimmy V Anthony

            I am rooting for a tie here. I will also accept career ending injuries inflicted on Tom Brady, Joe Theisman style. An injury like that won’t affect his quality of life after football, but it will at least end this current run of New England douchebaggery. Speaking of which, New England’s vulnerability in real football has not affected Brady and Welker’s fantasy production. Alfred Morris faces a near octogenarian Steelers defense, while Mike Wallace is there to catch bombs after Pittsburgh falls behind by two touchdowns again. I am sure that it will be painful for Anthony, but his team’s success relies on his beloved Steelers getting their asses kicked.

            Jimmy, I hope you pass that horse shoe that is lodged in your bowels soon, because you have been incredibly lucky with matchups this year. In more New England news, I am not sure why teams even bother to cover Brandon Lloyd or any NE receiver downfield. Brady doesn’t throw down field. Victor Cruz started the season slow, but now he seems to only catch bombs for TDs lately. Jimmy Graham has been a disappointment, but only due to health issues. That is unfortunate, but you can’t predict injuries when drafting. (Unless their name is Andre Johnson, Kevin Kolb’s brain, or Jay Cutler’s smiling muscles. The Piper is calling Jake. He is coming for you!)


Prognostication: I am rooting for Jimmy in this one, but I think Anthony will win. Jimmy’s squad is pretty banged up right now, while Morris gets to run all over 1/2 of the Pittsburgh Defense.


Freddy Michael V Jesse

            Next time you puke in a cab in the city, calmly tell the cab driver to pull over, hand him $20, and then peace out. Don’t hang out arguing and don’t pay him money. They have stations where they clean that shit up. He cab-fare-raped you. You will get better at playing in the city. Don’t worry. One time my ATM card wouldn’t work when I was drunk and cabbing it. I bought a cab driver 100 dollars worth of razor blades and hair dye as payment with a credit card. I always joke about paying for things in “trade” or “tales of adventure,” but I always imagined it would be less humiliating than that.

            Denver has the kind of defense that could slow Brees down. Having Hakeem Nicks return to the lineup will be huge. He has had a good number of ankle problems in his short career. I think he has officially become a FF draft risk. A ton of talent and production when he plays though.

            Vincent Jackson giveth and he taketh away. I have invested in Jackson before, while he was with the Chargers. He was always very up and down. You could get a 100-yard-3-TD one week followed by a 1-catch-for-20-yards the next week. It appears to be the same so far in Tampa, but you can’t ever take him out of the lineup because he can drop a pair of nuts in cornerback’s mouth at any given time. It would be nice if he were more consistent though.


Prognostication: Cleveland very quietly has a formidable defense. I think they hold Rivers in check. I am giving it to Jesse.


Justin v Mo

            Next time I see Justin I am going to punch him right in the cock for snagging Doug Martin so late. I am glad that Minnesota cost you -9 points. This team is scary though. Tony Gonzalez is producing like that I thought Julio Jones was suppose to. I wonder if teams are focusing their coverage’s on Jones, giving Roddy White and Gonzalez more opportunity. Green Bay is starting to heat up and for as long as Greg Jennings is injured, Jordy Nelson should remain a productive member of that hot potato game they are running in GB.

Aaron Hernandez is back and it gives Mo an actual to goodness productive player. I would not be surprised if the only other Mexican player in the NFL starts to mirror Gronk’s numbers, which is a good thing for Mo.


Prognostication: I would love to see Mo win this, but it is hard to pick against Rodgers and GB hosting Jacksonville. Justin. (Don’t forget about the dick punch!)


(Update: Just read that Mexican TE number 2 is not traveling with New England to London for the game. Mexotastic!)


Ryan v Geoff

            Let’s go Buffalo! Ryan is hurting this week with Stevie Johnson and Fred Jackson out on bye week. Being forced to play the backup RB in Miami is not a good thing. Pittsburgh’s D has been at half strength all season and their production shows. I suppose that is what you get when you are a Baltimore fan drafting god dam Steelers. Comeuppance. That is what you get. Comeuppance.

            Geoff has to be salivating at the Chris Johnson v Indy matchup this week. I am going to say that matchups involving poor run defenses will lead to big days for CJ2massivedissapointmentK and an average or better run defense will lead to poor results. How about that Vernon Davis? Would he be having a hall of fame career if someone other than Alex Smith was throwing to him? I think so. I hope he goes to team with a good quarterback before he is out of his prime.


Prognostication: with Freddy Jackson on bye this week, I am going with Geoff.



Eric v Marty

            Kendall Wright is blossoming before our eyes. The JC in KC is one of the few bright spots on the Kansas City offense. Andre Brown is producing like David Wilson was projected to prior to the season. The Chicago Defense is the only dominating Defense in the league right now. (Sorry Geoff, but San Fran has been up and down. Chicago seems to be matchup proof.) Unfortunately for him and for Lions fans, Stafford has not found his 2011 rhythm yet. I hope he does soon. (By the way, you are welcome for snagging Wright for you late in the draft.)

            Marty always seems to have an oddly patched roster and is the only person that seems to be able to get away with it. Talk about having good luck trinkets lodged in your bowels. His triumvirate of RBS have kept him afloat so far. If Vick and the Eagles find their testicles coming out of the bye week, it could mean trouble for the rest of us.


Prognostication: This may come down to the KC v OAK matchups for Eric. I think it favors him so I am running with Eric.


MaryKate v Jake

            Jay Cutler took a nasty lick from Suh last week. If you have not seen the hit, it is below. MaryKate will be hoping that Cutler is healthy against a tasty Carolina defense. The injury turnaround from Darrius Heyward-Bey has been amazing. I still feel good about DHB’s production over the course of the season, as long as he does not get injured again. That is another Maryland guy that I wish had been drafted by another team. He was pretty raw coming out of college. I can’t imagine where his career would be if he were hanging out in a locker room with Anquan Boldin and Derrick Mason. I hate to speak ill of the dead, but fuck Al Davis for drafting him and having the hubris to run the team without a GM. It will take years for Oakland to recover from the mess he created there.



            Jake has rebounded nicely from a rough start to the season. At 3-4 he is in the middle of the pack instead of at the bottom of the league, where he started the season. A significant chunk of his roster is tied to Arizona and San Fran. They both play each other this week and they both have strong defenses. That does not bode well for him from a production standpoint. Seattle is playing at Detroit this week. I really hope this is the week that the Stafford to Megatron connection finds its rhythm. (In a side note, Richard Sherman, the corner for the Seahawks, changed his twitter nickname this week to Optimus Prime. I love that guy!)


Prognostication: “You Mad Bro.” I can’t pick against MaryKate or Detroit. I am taking MK.

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